What do you think?

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question

Below you will find chapter one of a project I have started. Please let me know what you think so far. I am not exactly sure what direction I am going and it does have a long way to go, but just some general input would be nice. Thank you!

 

CHAPTER ONE (untitled)

I never really gave a lot of thought to my future. I am not sure if I really thought I would live this long. I never imagined grandchildren or rocking on a porch with my gray-haired husband. I just kind of floated through life and didn’t care about anything. I don’t think I even cared about myself. That is probably the reason I ended up here.

My days are filled with therapy and counselors and others like myself trying to find the reason behind our behaviors and addictions. I hear the stores of sexual and physical abuse,the tales of depression, rape, lost jobs, miscarriages, deaths of children, parents, or loved ones. I hear all sorts of horror stories of what made these people choose this path. They did this to hide and to run away. They did this to  numb the pain and grief they were feeling. They chose these things to keep from feeling the despair and hopelessness. These people had given up because life as they had known it had changed for the worse, or their lives had  always been horrible and they just wanted an escape from their reality. They had no hope and no way to deal with such problems.

addiction

I still have no answers. I don’t know what I have been running away from. I don’t have a horrible beginning. I don’t have a tragic story of loss or death. I still have this monkey on my back. This nagging voice telling me to drink and party and take another hit. I still can imagine the joy of how it feels when the needle breaks my skin and I push the plunger and close my eyes. I still don’t know what drives me to do this.

I don’t know what to tell my counselors. I feel like they want answers to impossible questions. I am ashamed to tell others in group that I have two parents who did not abuse me and are, in fact, still married to each other. I am ashamed to admit I came from a normal family. I haven’t had a tragic event or loss.

I feel like I don’t  deserve the help I am being offered. I feel like I haven’t suffered enough to have chosen this path. I know I hit rock bottom, but there is not one trigger to have driven me here. I don’t feel I am worthy of the help they are tying go give me. I feel worthless and hopeless and just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But I feel like if I do, someone here is going ask what I am crying about and tell me I have no reason to cry. I feel like I have no reason to be here. But for the first time in I don’t know how long, I feel.

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5 thoughts on “What do you think?

  1. Is this based off of true events? I like it so far, there are some spelling errors, but I really like the story. Its interesting how the person doesn’t understand why he became involved in the life he chose. I’d like to hear when it started or who influenced it. This is definitely going to be a good story!

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    • This is based off of what I know of rehab and recovery. I have several friends who are now living sober and I try to understand and help them in anyway I can. I am hoping this will be a journey into my character’s mind and past. I often wondered why people became addicts and assumed it all started with a tragic even or horrible home life, but I don’t think that is always the case and I am learning as I write this so I hope it gets better. Thanks for your comment.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I wonder the same thing, what is the root cause for peoples addictions. But some of them, like you said don’t have horrible lives that led them to it. So its difficult to comprehend. I’m sure it will be good, keep up the good work! 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  2. So far this is a good story, for it’s looking at addictions in a different view for this person doesn’t know how it started and feels unworthy of the treatment for their story is different. Well I will say good luck on your research and I think this could be something really interesting. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This raw and incredibly powerful!!! In my opinion the rest of the story needs to be told! I am a believer that every human being is NOT on earth for their own selfish agendas. We are to use our time to help others especially when we have survived horrific circumstances like addiction. It doesn’t matter how you got there the point is someone who can relate to this needs to hear the story! Not everyone suffering from addiction has some sad story behind them. It’s just one day they decided to party and entered into a world of destruction that they never thought would grip them. I happen to work in a rehab facility and I have loved and supported an addict. My heart is vulnerable towards those who suffer no matter how they got there. You are brave and can get through this if you want to. I’m rooting for you as I am sure many others are:-)

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