Below you will find chapter one of a project I have started. Please let me know what you think so far. I am not exactly sure what direction I am going and it does have a long way to go, but just some general input would be nice. Thank you!
CHAPTER ONE (untitled)
I never really gave a lot of thought to my future. I am not sure if I really thought I would live this long. I never imagined grandchildren or rocking on a porch with my gray-haired husband. I just kind of floated through life and didn’t care about anything. I don’t think I even cared about myself. That is probably the reason I ended up here.
My days are filled with therapy and counselors and others like myself trying to find the reason behind our behaviors and addictions. I hear the stores of sexual and physical abuse,the tales of depression, rape, lost jobs, miscarriages, deaths of children, parents, or loved ones. I hear all sorts of horror stories of what made these people choose this path. They did this to hide and to run away. They did this to numb the pain and grief they were feeling. They chose these things to keep from feeling the despair and hopelessness. These people had given up because life as they had known it had changed for the worse, or their lives had always been horrible and they just wanted an escape from their reality. They had no hope and no way to deal with such problems.
I still have no answers. I don’t know what I have been running away from. I don’t have a horrible beginning. I don’t have a tragic story of loss or death. I still have this monkey on my back. This nagging voice telling me to drink and party and take another hit. I still can imagine the joy of how it feels when the needle breaks my skin and I push the plunger and close my eyes. I still don’t know what drives me to do this.
I don’t know what to tell my counselors. I feel like they want answers to impossible questions. I am ashamed to tell others in group that I have two parents who did not abuse me and are, in fact, still married to each other. I am ashamed to admit I came from a normal family. I haven’t had a tragic event or loss.
I feel like I don’t deserve the help I am being offered. I feel like I haven’t suffered enough to have chosen this path. I know I hit rock bottom, but there is not one trigger to have driven me here. I don’t feel I am worthy of the help they are tying go give me. I feel worthless and hopeless and just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But I feel like if I do, someone here is going ask what I am crying about and tell me I have no reason to cry. I feel like I have no reason to be here. But for the first time in I don’t know how long, I feel.