Looking for May Flowers

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flowers

April showers are supposed to bring May flowers. We have certainly had our fair share of April showers. But, this first day of May brings only more storms and warnings for our area. These are typical spring storms for this time of year. Eventually we will get into the pattern of blissfully hot days and those pop-up afternoon thunderstorms that can vary in strength. I cannot wait for those even warmer days.  

It was  quite a treat to awaken to the sound of thunder and raindrops pelting the roof. I always found something poetic in the sounds of storms. Perhaps because I am such a horror movie fan, or because I feel like a good storm cleanses not only mother nature but our souls as well.

It was also unusually silent this morning. My children have both been away all weekend and won’t be back until sometime later today. I have enjoyed this peace and quiet. I am writing a bit. But, the downfall is my mind is wandering. I have had some opportunities that I have not taken. I am scared and my mind rambles from good thoughts to bad. I over think too much.

For the first time in a long time,I had the opportunity for a date. I blew it. I was scared. The confidence and freedom I had finally found in the past few years seems to escape me. I basically chickened out. This was probably the one thing I truly needed right now.

On top of turning him down(or standing him up), my mind has been traveling back and digging up memories and buried feelings of another. I know looking back at the past is not the way for a healthy future. I know I made the right decision. But, the heart wants what it wants and it still longs for the days when we were practically inseparable.

I keep the hope alive that destiny let us cross paths again and become closer because one day it will be real with him. I don’t understand why I keep reliving the hurt he unintentionally caused me. He never made any direct promises or broke any. I know he is not ready for all that I have to offer. I just think it is crazy to have the kind of emotion for a person that I have for him. I have never in my life felt this way. I have also, never in my life wanted for someone to find happiness in his life. It has never been so easy for me to choose the logical path and walk away from someone I loved. I never knew had that type of strength.

I am torn between hope and knowing that he is not ready. That he may never be ready. I pray for him. I hope that he is doing well. I hear he is seriously seeing another. I also hear that he is traveling down a path that could lead to some dangerous consequences. Why couldn’t he see how much I cared? Why couldn’t he feel how much I loved him?

To be fair, I never did tell him directly that I loved him. But, I know that he knows. It showed in everything I did and in everything I was. Everyone else saw it. They constantly mentioned to both of us.

I just know that I must continue to look forward and be productive and pray that he finds his way. I cannot keep building what I am building if I keep dwelling on what may have been, what won’t ever will be, or what will be. I just know I love him but he is not right for me at this time.

My cup is full of coffee and my paper is full of words. My world is soon to be overfull with actions as I have used this precious peace and quiet to recapture that confidence and that strength I recently found. I had fallen into the same habits as before. I will not become the person I was before. I am stronger, smarter, and more determined and I am not that frumpy, negative person who just let things happen. I am the energetic, confident, mature (yet youthful) person I found on my journeys. I now just need to apply that to this life and grow some more.

I needed a recharge and I could have gotten it on that date. But I was afraid. The old doubts had crept back into this cloudy, foggy brain and started yelling. I refuse to let this happen again. I am praying and fighting daily to be the best me I can be.

That is why these storms excite me. They have cleansed me of the negative and brought me to focus on the positive again. This is a rebirth and a time to (as always) thank God for all those little blessings he gives me daily. Keep pushing forward and keep it all in His hands. Enjoy your cup of life and rejoice in the thunder!

 

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